Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

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BAWAL BASAHIN ANG NAKASULAT DITO!

"WHATS THE PROBLEM???"' ang tanong ng boss ko sa isang katrabaho. Kasama ako sa sasakyan na hindi makaalis-alis dahil sa red tape. mukhang naghihintay pa ng pampadulas ang mga kinauukulan. Kuripot ang amo kong banyaga. Hindi nagbibitiw kahit singkong duling. Makakalabas daw kami sa gate nanghindi nagbabayad ng kung anu-ano dahil yun daw ang legal. Ma-prinsipyo. Bilib ako!

"THAT'S WHY THE PHILIPPINES REMAIN SO POOR!" sabi n'ya. Mainit, pagod kamis, at medyo bwisit. Doon nag-umpisa ang bwisit na kwentuhan.

Na-culture shock daw s'ya sa Pilipinas pagtapak n'ya dito anim na taon na ang nakalipas. Laganap daw ang lagayan... at hindi sa pamamaraang patago. Hindi n'ya maintindihan kung bakit pumapatol daw tayong mga Pilipino sa ganito, gayong tayo rin daw nahihirapan. Kaya may mga nangongotong, dahil may nagpapakotong.

Tinahak namin ang Navotas papuntang pier. Akmang-akma ang lugar para lalo akong balahurain ng employer ko.

"Manila (Metro Manila) is one of the dirtiest cities in the world" sabi niya. Parang musika sa tenga ko ang sinasabi n'ya. Muntik ko na nga s'yang ilaglag sa sasakyan. Pero mas malakas ang sipa ng katotohanan. Marumi nga yung lugar na 'yon. "And it stinks, too!" dagdad n'ya.

Maganda nga ang tanawin sa aming paglalakbay. Mga batang walang panty at nilalangaw ang mukha. Mga kalalkihang walang t-shirt at bagsak ang katawan sa droga. At mga kababaihang abalang-abala sa pagpapasuso sa sampung anak. Ayos din ang mga tenement. Sa malayo mukhang rectangular na smokey mountain. Sa malapit mukhang bangungot.

'Yan ang view sa kaliwa namin. Gusto ko sanang tukuran ang mukha ng boss ko para wag nang makalingat sa kanan kung saan mas maraming peklat ang Pilipinas, pero nakita n'ya pa rin: mga basura, bahay, at bata na hindi mo malaman kung ano ang alin dahil sa kapal ng itim na usok ng mga sasakyan. Marami s'yang komento, sinabi ko na lang. "Well, what do you expect from a third world county?" Talo na 'ko. Tama na ang yabang.

Pinag-usapan namin ang tungkol sa negosyo s'ya.. na nauwi na naman sa gobyerno natin. Sandamukal daw ang mga buwaya, red tape, graft, at corruption dito. Tinanong ko kung baka dahil lang sa dayuhan s'ya kaya s'ya ginagatasan. Ang sagot n'ya: "NO, FILIPINOS DO IT EVEN TO OTHER FILIPINOS!" Kitang-kita ko ang pagbagsak ng bandera ng Pilipinas sa sinabi n'ya, naramdaman ko pa ang pagtama ng flag pole sa ulo ko!

Maiintindihan n'ya raw kung mahihirapan ang magnanakaw. Pero sa bansa natin, mga mayayaman ang malilikot ang kamay...mga edukado, titulado, at nasa gobyerno. NO, FILIPINOS DO IT EVEN TO OTHER FILIPINOS... NO, FILIPINOS DO IT EVEN TO OTHER FILIPINOS...NO, FILIPINOS DO IT EVEN TO OTHER FILIPINOS...Patuloy ang pagtugtog nito sa isipan ko.

Ikinuwento n'ya rin ang ginawa sa kanya ng isa n'yang empleyadong Filipina. Pinagbalakan s'yang pikutin nito. Oo nga naman, instant fortune 'yon kung sak-sakali. Mahahango sa hirap ang Pinay na 'yon at ang kanyang pamilya. Aba, andami na nating success stories na ganyan! Kahit ang dating leader ng bansa, ganyan ang konsepto ng pag-unlad.

Napag-usapan ang kultura, ang sex. Mababa rin ang tingin n'ya sa mga Filipina. Sabi ko e marriage before sex ang kultura sa Pilipinas. Umiling s'ya. Pinoy daw miismo ang nagsabi sa kanyang pakawala ang mga babae dito at mag-eenjoy s'ya. Sabi ko, "THOSE ARE WHORES AND THE GUY WHO TOLD YOU THAT IS PERVERT." Professional at kakilala ko pa pala ang nagkwento sa kanya. ASSHOLE!

Totoo ang mga kwento ng boss ko. Nakakangilo sa ngipin, pero totoo. At bagama't nakakapikon s'ya minsan e mabait at mabuti s'yang tao. Sa bayan nila, hinihikayat ang mga tao na umunlad. Dito raw sa atin, pag-umuunlad ang tao, hinihila pababa. Nakakatakot mag-negosyo kasi yari ka sa mga 'TAUHAN NG GOBYERNO'. Pagnakitang namumunga ka, babatuhin ka nang babatuhin hanggang sa malalaglag ang mga prutas mo. Walang pinagkaiba kung legal o ilegal ang negosyo mo, maglalagay at maglalagay ka rin sa mga kinauukulan. Bakit ka pa magli-legal???

Hindi na importante kung ano ang negosyo at bayan ng amo ko. Hindi na rin pinag-uusapan dito kung 'RACIST' s'ya o mas maraming kapintasan ang bansa nila. Ang issue dito ay 'TAYO'. Hindi ako naiinis sa mga sinabi n'ya. Naiinis ako dahil TOTOO ang mga sinabi n'ya.

Sa pag-wui ko ng bahay naisip ko, bakit ang Hong Kong at Singapore, hindi naman gaanong nabiyayaan ng likas na yaman pero maunlad? Bakit ang mga Hapon, bobo mag-English pero mayaman? Sa Pilipinas kahit bawal magtinda sa sidewalk, may nagititnda. Kahit bawal magtapon ng basura kung saan-saan, meron pa rin tapon nang tapon. Paano pa kaya uunlad ang bansa natin n'yan?

Disiplina lang kaya talaga ang problema sa'tin? Sigurado akong kahit sa sandaling 'to, may isang Pilipino na bumabasa ng nakasulat dito kahit sinabi na bawal ito basahin. TIGAS TALAGA NG ULO!

- THE PHILIPPINE POST, 052800

- 'BAKIT BALIKTAD MAGBASANG LIBRO ANG MGA PILIPINO?' by Bob Ong

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Almost

I want to touch your hand and hold you close, if only I could.
I want to keep you in my embrace, if only I could.
I want to whisper in your ear and speak my heart to you, if only I could.
I want to wipe away all your doubts and fears, if only I could.
I want to make you happy every minute of every day, if only I could.
I want to keep you safe and sound, if only I could.
I want to fly you to the moon, if only I could.

I want to be your valentine, your christmas wish, your pick up line.
I want to be the funny joke you wont get tired to laugh at.
I want to be that genie in a bottle, your toothfairy.
I want to be your 11:11, your fortune cookie.
I want to be your bestfriend.

I don't want to be your dreams but I want us to reach our dreams together.
I don't want to be your favorite song but I want to sing along with you every lyrics, every melody.
I don't want to be your favorite movie but I want to cry and laugh with you til the farewell credits.
I don't want to be the answers to all your questions but I want to be with you as you find all the reasons of all your why's.

If only I could be your everything, I would. But destiny is not letting me.
So for now, I would just admire you, every bit of your being, quietly, sincerely, even from afar.
I will pray to God everyday to keep you safe, to preserve you till the day that destiny will finally allow us to be together. It will not be counting days but I will be happy because I know that a day that passes by that you're not by my side will be one day closer to the moment we will be together.
I will always remember that night. That kiss. That embrace. That moment.
I will be waiting for that day to happen again.

For now, I will use this time to fix everything, to make myself a better person for you. So when that time finally comes, I can be your everything.

Please take care of yourself while I'm away. Always be happy. You look good when you smile.

When you're lonely, close your eyes and think of that night, that kiss, that embrace. Remember that moment.

You'll always be in my thoughts, every hour of every day, every second of every minute and the moments in between.

Till we meet again.

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#Hashtag

Because of social networking sites, #hashtags became very popular.

Hashtags believed to have originated on Twitter.

If you have been on Twitter, you may have seen or used a "hashtag."

A hashtag is simply a way for netizens to search for tweets that have a common topic and/or to begin a conversation.



For example, if you search on #LOST , you'll get a list of tweets related to the TV show LOST. What you won't get are tweets that say "I lost my wallet yesterday" because "lost" isn't preceded by the hashtag (#). Well, something like that.



Other social networking sites like facebook and instagram have already been using hashtags as well.

Hashtags aren't only used to easily search tweets but also has become a medium for people to play games. They use clever descriptive words as hashtags to create a stream of tweets and in the end, one would get lucky to win a prize (from the one who started the hashtag game).

Also, hashtags makes it easy for netizens to know what most of the people are talking about (trending topic) and what is going on around the world.

What's interesting about hashtags is that, inspite the convenience it (probably) gives us, most people on social networking sites have been using it incorrectly or should I say, abusing it. On facebook, often do I see status messages with imbecile and boloney hashtags like:



    I can't watch the movie. #IHateMyJob

Why would you use IHateMyJob as a hashtag? Instead, you could post, "I can't watch the movie because I have to work extended hours. I hate my job"

Oh well, the former is considerable but this one is really annoying:

    Nakakainis. #HindiKoNaAlamKungAnongDapatKongGawin #AngSakitSakitNa

The hashtag can be a status message itself. It is even longer that the original status message. And, if you search on #HindiKoNaAlamKungAnongDapatKongGawin #AngSakitSakitNa , would thousands of tweets or status message appear? I don't think so.



On instagram, this user I am following posted a selfie without a caption but with five, six, seven no! i think TEN hashtags! #selfie #selca #instalike #igersmanila #instagrammers #followforfollow #instaphoto #cutie #cute #handsome #teamfollowback

WTH? hahaha. Definitely a hashtag addict.

#MedyoGuilty.



I have a funny story. Well not so funny but I would like to share it because it caught my attention.
(Eto lang actually yung reason kung bakit ko pinost 'to)


This morning, on my way to the office, there's this guy sitting beside me on a tricycle. He's using Galaxy s4 and the screen is so big that I can't avoid but to see what he's doing in his phone. Oh well, because I'm nosy, I peeked secretly on his phone and I saw him texting someone:



    Papasok na po ako sa office. I miss you.

    #KasiMahalKita #01.03.13

    

I was like O__O WTF? who the hell would use a hashtag on a text message? (Oh well he did)

But c'mon? Seriously? If I search #KasiMahalKita on the internet, would I be able to read his text message? HAHA! Wait, there's more. After a while, the person he texted replied and said:



    Ingat ka po baby. Wag ka magpapagutom.

    #KasiMahalDinKita #01.03.13



OMG! They're funny. Probably they're both twitter/facebook/instagram addicts. HAHA.



If you would be a hashtag, what hashtag would you be? :)

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Getting Started

It's a new year and I got a new blog! YEY! :D

Decided to put up this one since this is part of my New Year Bucket List. I'll try my very best to update this often and make this as my personal journal since the Starbucks planner has no enough space for all my thoughts. HAHA!

I wanted my blog url to be papafrancis.blogspot.com but the url isn't available. Sad. :( Instead, I used iampapafrancis.blogspot.com
:)

I really don't know how to get started so I just decided to copy some of my blog entries from my naudlot-na-blog  and publish it here.

Also, I will be using this blog as my "page" for my dreamcatcher "business". :D

I'm not really familiar on how to use blogger but I'm trying best to discover how to maximize its functions.

Anyways, I don't have any more thoughts in my mind right now. i better get back to work. HAHA!

Annyeong!~

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Just Have to Say It All

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

“It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” ~Alfred. Lord Tennyson

Some people and events impact and leave their mark on us. Some feels warm and fuzzy, outright blessed, while others hit us like bullets to the heart.

I met someone really special. It wasn't my first taste of love but I was sheepishly drunk with it. They were eyes I could look into forever, and a voice I could hear till the end of time—it was absolutely frightening.

We were colleagues, good friends. I unwittingly got involved in his life, and eventually found myself wanting to get even more involved.
After a period of ambiguous yes-no-maybes, just like other "mutual-understanding-relationships", things became clear that it was never mutual at all. He's committed to someone else. All these time, they were together. He had to choose but he chose him.
I was distraught, destroyed. Shot. In the heart. Barely breathing.

“Move on”
There was a cacophony of voices, concerned friends, self-help books, screaming, demanding me to let it go, let him go.
They were all voices echoing the same rational advice. It is only logical to disconnect, eject, and proceed. Move on.
I couldn’t.
Not a day went by without me cross-examining myself for faults, things I should or shouldn’t have done, things I could do to fix it, to fight for it, to make him choose me.
Listening to music with blaring earphones only gave a brief respite. Reason left me as soon I put the earphones off my ears. My mind wandered back to the hurts when I stopped listening, deaf and ever-desperate.

“Move on!!”
Why linger? It was a horrid state to be in. I really wanted to snap out of that self-absorbed paralysis, but something kept me there.
After a more than month of marinating in the much celebrated soup of love, loss, and lament, I guess I never have fumbled out of it.
Nothing's changed. I'm still holding on to something I am not even certain of.
I know no one is spared from metaphorical bullets, but no one has to stay hurt. I’ve experienced a generous slice of pain and tasted a foolish sentiment. But I want it. I want every inch of pain. I want to feel every bit of it until it hurts no more.

Forgiveness.
It’s ludicrous, in the sense that amidst the injustice and hurt, the idea of forgiving seems to border on divine martyrdom. But what I’ve been experiencing wasn’t a saintly sacrifice.
It was something I arrived at, a lucky tumble into the clearing. It was a long fumble in the dark. After everything, I still chose to forgive him and tried to be good friends with him. Stupid. But for me, that's compromise. I would die if I run away from him. If I can't have him as my boyfriend, maybe, at least, I could have him as a good friend, like we've always been.

Don’t run.
I thought of running miles to get my mind off him—physically move away from him at work, tried to write him off as I thought he did to me. But I have no choice but to stay.
Whenever there is a quiet moment, his face comes back with a vengeance. There is no “clear history” button; there is no shutting emotion out.
Too bad we cannot process feelings mechanically, surgically remove “bad parts” from our being. If that were even remotely possible, the world would be devoid of sappy love songs and affluent shrinks.
I didn’t meditate ceremoniously; I was probably face-deep in a hearty slice of cake. It still hurts. (but a little less now)

The most ironic thing was that running away from the problem is also running in circles.
I was pointlessly replaying events in my head, ceaseless analyzing, obsessively scrutinizing my actions, and wallowing in sappy country music and desserts.
Not only does nothing get solved, nothing else gets done, either. I was able to ask myself, and listen for the first time, the first most important question: What am I doing?

Life is not cruel when it does not wait. Life always goes on, whether we are in the mood to join it or not.
I had to ask myself: what is it that I want?
I wanted talk about it with him, for the nth time. I wanted him to tell me, face to face, what went wrong, again. Hoping that now, it would sink in and I would realize that I really have to move on.

I wanted my pain to be acknowledged. Because I couldn’t get him to acknowledge my hurting, I locked myself in limbo.

When a valued relationship ends, it’s natural to lament, but it’s easy to become morbidly self-indulgent, stewing in the predicament.

Like having blinkers on, I’ve excluded everything else, even the fact that other people hurt—forgetting that my pain is but one in many.
Everybody hurts.
Even him. I know.
It occurred to me that he may be having a difficult time, as well. He gave an answer, He gave an explanation. But I can't accept it. I don't want to accept it. I still want him to choose me.
I was desperate. Obsessed.

Blaming.
I never stopped feeling bad for myself, I was able to see the effects of my actions on his side and consider his perspective, empathising with his difficulties.
Trace the blame if you will, but the meeting of two individuals and their eventual parting isn’t the fault of one.
So bent on confronting him, I deprived myself of "closure" in any other ways than the way I’d envisioned. He didn’t force me to be in pain. I did.
We are all one in pain—we act from pain and make mistakes from pain, and we all deserve forgiveness and kindness.
I realize that he only did what he thought was best at that moment. He didn’t make the best choice of action, but neither did I. I reacted in the only way I could then.
When I see him at work , I still feel angry at myself. I still want him.
I saw that he was still that charming individual that I first loved. Even though it was a couple of weeks ago and now, that our parts in each other’s life are over, I still wish he chose me.

Maybe in time, without knowing it, I’d forgiven him and myself.
I guess I’d moved on.
It wrenches on the heart when things change, because whether it is the love of a friend or lover, we offer ourselves with every coffee shared, every lingering gaze held.
We can’t take back what we offered. But maybe the point is learning not to want to, because those moments were beautiful.
I have to be brave. I have to be strong and move on. No matter how tiny my steps are, what's important is that I'm moving on.

Everybody gets hurt. The world wont stop turning just because I am hurt. I have to move on.

I am moving on.

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Insecurities

I've been in this world for 21 years and I never have learned how to overcome my insecurities.

I used to spend an awful lot of time worrying about people liking me. Or what people

Lately, I've been feeling more insecure than ever. And no, I'm not seeking for your sympathy or attention by saying this. If you feel so, then, you can stop wasting your precious time here now by closing the tab/window. Anyway, back to what I was saying. I feel so ugly these days, seriously. There are so many more-good-looking-guys than me. Compared to them, I feel so...ugh!

I even hate taking pictures of myself these days. Then, I'll start thinking about what others think of me which just makes everything worse. All the insults of how I look just hurts so bad whether it's a joke or not. It might be funny to you but it is definitely not-funny-at-all to me. These insecurities are really making me feel down. I'm up to the point where I don't even look in the mirror. (Okay, that's exaggerated)

I often ask myself, why do the people I like wont like me back? Then I start to remember my insecurities. That I am not good-looking, that I am not rich, that I am thin and lousy, that I'm not smart, that I am a boring person, that I don't have much to offer, that I am not lovable at all.

thought of me. Or what they thought of the clothes I was wearing. Or whatever. When I think about things I assume everyone else is thinking, I see side glances and sniggers where none really exist.
I can't help but to feel all these insecurities especially these past few weeks/months especially that I experience rejection more often.

I know there's a lot to be thankful for, that there's more to life than these insecurities but I really can't ditch the feeling that I am no best for anything.

It's discouraging. I hate this feeling. Ugh! I feel like crying right now.

:(


Monday, August 19, 2013

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Never Settle for Less

Friday, July 12, 2013

Sabi ko sa sarili ko, I will hold on hanggang sa mapagod ako. I will feel every inch of pain hanggang sa maging manhid na ako, wala nang nararamdaman at hindi na masakit kapag bumitaw ako. Siguro eto na 'yung oras na 'yon.

Pero mali ako. Hindi nawala yung sakit. Hindi ako naging manhid. Napagod lang ako. Pagod na akong kumapit, mag-care, umasa at maghintay. Hindi nakakapagod ang magmahal, never will it be. Siguro I will always love that person pero hanggang dun na lang 'yon. Hindi na ako umaasa, I don't care anymore. Not because that person doesn't deserve na bigyan ng care or pag-invest-an ng feelings but because I know I deserve a love more than this.

Sabi nga sa Perks of Being a Wallflower, We accept the love we think we deserve." And I realized, hindi ko dapat tanggapin na ganito lang ako, naghihintay sa ewan. Merong taong nagmamahal sa'kin ng sobra sa gusto ko, I think, I deserve that more kesa sa love na hindi naman narereciprocate.

Hindi ako bitter. Happiness is a choice and I choose to be happy.

I have lived for 20 years na wala yung tao na 'yon and I know, kaya kong patuloy na mabuhay kahit wala sya.

Siguro may mga taong dumarating sa buhay natin para lang turuan tayo ng lesson. Siguro eto yung lesson na tinuro nya sa'kin---That I deserve more.

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Where to Go

Monday, February 18, 2013

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Ang hirap pala talaga kapag wala kang goal. Hindi mo alam kung sa'n ka pupunta, kung tutuloy ka pa ba sa paglakad o hihinto na lang.

Nu'ng nag-college ako, ang goal ko lang ay makatapos ng pag-aaral. Yun lang. After I finished college, ang naging goal ko ay maka-pasa sa Board exams. After boards, ang goal ko makahanap ng trabaho. Now, I'm working. I realized, wala pala talaga akong long term goal.

Mag-abroad? naisip ko na 'yan. pero sa ngayon, wala pa akong plano. Well, wala naman akong choice dahil may kontrata pa ako dito.

Mag-asawa? HAHA! Erase! Erase! :D

Isip, isip, isip.

.

.

.

.

.

Wala talaga akong maisip na plano.

May marating kaya ako nito? Haaay.

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